


Hollow

by Samunderthelights



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Addiction, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Drug Addiction, Friendship, Friendship/Love, M/M, Recovery, Ryden, Rydon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-20
Updated: 2018-03-08
Packaged: 2019-03-21 17:08:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13745505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Samunderthelights/pseuds/Samunderthelights
Summary: When Ryan reads about Brendon's addiction in the paper one morning, he decides to try and help him. They haven't spoken to, or seen each other in years. But once upon a time, they had been friends, and friends help each other. No matter the cost.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Just wanted to give a little warning, that this story features addiction and mental health. I am not, in any way, claiming that this is based on reality or actual events featuring these people. Also, mental health and addiction is different for everyone else. This is not reality, this is only a work fiction. If stories featuring these things upset you, then please do not read this story. Thank you!

_Panic! At The Disco singer Brendon Urie,, was photographed outside of LA nightclub last night, screaming and shouting into his phone. According to bystanders, Urie, 34, was shouting that ‘they’ were coming for him. The lead singer, who rose to fame as one fourth of the band when he was only a teenager, was so hysterical and aggressive, that he had to be taken away by the police. A source close to the singer claims that Urie has been having paranoid ‘episodes’ since the beginning of this year. The source also claims that he has become dependant on drugs and alcohol.  
*We have asked Urie’s management for comment, but have gotten no reply. We will keep you updated on this story._

Ryan is still in bed, half-asleep, when he reads the article. He feels sick to his stomach when he reads those words about Brendon. And when he sees the accompanying photo, of a hysterical Brendon, his shirt ripped, face red, eyes bloodshot, he feels sick to his stomach.  
Panic! At The Disco had never been one of those bands that people wrote about in the papers. They had never had photographers waiting outside their house, or waiting for them outside clubs. Even though they had been very popular, and had gathered quite a large fan base early on, they had always managed to live their lives, without too much hassle.  
The only three times where they had been newsworthy, was when the band had split into two, when Spencer had left the band, and when Brendon had admitted to having experiences with men. But even then, the articles had only appeared in the music section of papers. They had simply not been interesting or famous, or perhaps shocking enough to write about.   
But not this time. This time the article is on the front page of the news website. No music section. It is in between articles about politics, an actor receiving an award, and a women who has gone missing. This time it is interesting enough to write about.

Ryan hasn’t spoken to Brendon in years, not since he left the business completely. Before, they would still see each other at events. But one day, a few years ago, Ryan had decided that he didn’t belong anymore. He was not like the other artists at the parties. He had no interest in being there. He just wanted to live a normal life. So he had started writing a story, and his first book had been released a few weeks ago. Not that anyone knows it is his though. He had used a pseudonym. This book was either going to be a success because of the writing, or not at all. It couldn’t become a bestseller, simply because of his name still being remembered by his old fans. Plus, he now wants to live a normal life. No more fame. He had had it once, but that is in the past. Normal works for him now.

But seeing Brendon like this, he can’t ignore that. Brendon had simple meant too much to him when they were still friends. He still means too much. So Ryan takes a deep breath, and dials Pete’s number to see if he has Brendon’s address. But he hasn’t spoken to Pete in almost a decade. Not since Pete had told him to go fuck himself because he had been horrible and incredibly ungrateful to him. So he couldn’t be more nervous to ask him for help now. But he knows how much Pete cares about Brendon. And that gives him hope.

-

When he turns on his phone, after getting off the airplane, he sees that he has one new message. It’s from Pete. They had spoken to each other only this morning. Ryan had apologised, and Pete had said that it was all long forgotten. After Ryan had explained why he needed his help, Pete had given him Brendon’s address. But he had also warned him how bad it had all gotten. He himself had tried to help Brendon, but after being pushed away for months, he had given up. But Ryan knows that he won’t give up. Not before he has tried everything he possibly can. No matter the cost.

He checks Pete’s message, and sighs. Apparently the news about Brendon’s meltdown is all over the internet, and the fans are all talking about it. Most are worried, and sending love. But some are angry. Angry with Brendon for having let himself get to this point, after what had happened to Spencer. After all, he had had to go into rehab for addiction. How could Brendon be so stupid to get this bad, after he had seen what it could all do to him? Ryan feels sorry for him, and he can’t wait to see him, to talk to him.

Ryan has been knocking on the door for more than ten minutes, and it is obvious that Brendon is not going to open the door. But music can be heard coming from inside the house, so he must be home. Seeing as Ryan isn’t going to give up, he walks around the house, throws his bag over the fence, hoping he won’t break anything with it, and manages to climb over it. He picks up his bag, and goes up to the house. He knocks on the door, and sees Brendon turning around, a nervous look on his face. When he sees Ryan, the nervous look turns into shock. He turns the music off, comes up to the door, and opens it.

“What are you doing here?” he asks, and a pang of regret goes through Ryan’s mind. But he ignores it, and flashes a small smile.  
“I want to help,” he says, and Brendon looks at the floor, an embarrassed look on his face. “Will you let me in?”  
“It’s bad, isn’t it?” Brendon asks, and he looks up at Ryan, who is so much older now. But Brendon can still see the boy he had met all those years ago. The boy he had spent so much time with. Ryan nods, knowing that there s no point in lying. “It must be, if you’re here.”  
“Yeah,” Ryan says, flashing a small smile. Brendon steps aside, letting Ryan enter the house. But as Ryan goes further inside, he smells a smell that is so familiar, and brings back so many memories, yet is so sickening to him now.  
“Do you…?” Brendon asks, as he picks up a new joint.  
“No, I quit smoking that stuff years ago,” Ryan says, as he sits down on the sofa. He looks around and can’t help but notice the empty bottles of alcohol laying around.  
“How bad is it?” Brendon asks, after an awkward silence.  
“Bad. At least you’ve managed to make headline news,” Ryan says, and Brendon nods, staring into the distance. “The fans, they ehm… Pete told me that most are supportive, but some, they…”  
“They hate my guts.”  
“No, they’re just disappointed,” Ryan says, trying to slightly sugar-coat it. “After Spencer…”  
“I’m not like him,” Brendon quickly says. “I’m not an addict.”  
“I know you’re not like him.”  
That is the truth. At least Spencer had realised when he needed to get help. He hadn’t let it get this far. Ryan had seen him at his worst, but it wasn’t as bad as this.  
“Where’s Sarah?” he asks, trying to change the subject.  
“She went out a while ago.”  
“Oh, alright. I would love to meet her. When will she back?”  
“I don’t know,” Brendon says, still staring straight ahead, still smoking.  
“Oh… is she at work, or…?”  
“I don’t know, she left,” Brendon says, and a silence follows. But then he starts laughing. At first he is just laughing, but then it becomes like an uncontrollable, hysterical laughter, and it scares Ryan. But there is nothing he can do. Not now.

“Let’s order pizza,” Brendon says, after a while. After his laughing fit, there had been a long silence, where Ryan had simply watched him. He had gone from laughing, to staring straight ahead, his eyes filled with tears. Then he snapped out of it, and he had seemed okay again. It had pained Ryan so much to see him like this, and he wishes he could make it all better. But he fears this might be worse than he had thought.  
“Bren…”  
“I want pizza, do you want pizza?” Brendon asks, and he gets up and grabs his phone. As he is ordering, he pours himself a scotch, and he downs it in one go. And before he has even finished ordering, he has downed another one.  
“I think you need help,” Ryan says, after Brendon has hung up the phone. “Professional help.”  
“I’m fine. It’s just… this is a party, right?” Brendon says, and he laughs. “You’re back, so we need to celebrate.”  
“Brendon…”  
“Tonight we are celebrating the return of the great Ryan Ross,” Brendon laughs, and he downs another drink. He starts pouring himself another one, and shoots a questioning look to Ryan, to ask if he wants one.  
“I don’t drink.”  
“Since when?”  
“Since I saw Spence going through all that,” Ryan answers, and for just a second, he can see that he has reached Brendon. But then Brendon starts laughing again.  
“I am not him, and neither are you. We, my friend, are not addicts. Go on, have a drink.”  
“I don’t drink, Brendon. And I don’t think you should have more either,” Ryan says, and he is starting to feel like he should have stayed home. Yes, he wants to help, but Brendon won’t listen to him. Because who is he to tell him what to do? Who is he to him at all?  
“Ooh, I know… wait for it,” Brendon laughs. “Pizza pool party. You get it, because we have pizza, and we can have a pool party.”  
“What is wrong with you?” Ryan asks, but there is no judgement in his voice. It is a genuine question. Because where did it all go wrong? How the hell did Brendon get here?  
“I’m just a little bit drunk, and maybe a little high,” Brendon says, a cheeky smile on his face.  
“What about last night? Were you just a little bit drunk then?”  
“Exactly. There was a party, I got drunk, and it got a little bit out of hand. That’s all.”  
“What about ‘they are coming for me’?”  
“I don’t know who made that up,” Brendon says. “But I did not say that. I am fine.”  
“Yeah…”

Brendon is in the pool, eating a slice of pizza. Ryan is sitting on the edge, with his legs in the water, watching him. Brendon is still beautiful, he always has been. Ryan has thought so from the moment he first met him, back when he was still a geeky teenager, but there is now so much more to him. There is a sadness in his eyes. Ryan hasn’t seen it in him before. And he wants to find out where it is coming from. But there is no point in talking to Brendon about anything right now, because he is drunk, and it’ll be a miracle if he even remembers tonight at all if he wakes up in the morning.  
“Join me,” Brendon says, after he has finished eating his pizza.  
“No, I’m alright.”  
“When did you get so… boring?”  
“I’m just not in the mood.”  
“You’re old,” Brendon says, a pout on his face, and Ryan can’t help but laugh.  
“Then you are too.”  
“Am not.”  
“We’re practically the same age.”  
“Fuck you,” Brendon laughs, and he splashes Ryan, who can’t help but laugh. “You’re an old man, Ross.”  
“Yeah…”  
The atmosphere changes, as Brendon swims up to Ryan, and he holds onto his knees so he won’t drift away. He looks up at Ryan, and when he sees his friend, the boy who had meant so much to him when he was younger, he simply breaks down in tears. Ryan sees it happening, and before he knows it, he has let himself slide into the pool, and he has wrapped his arms around Brendon, who is sobbing, his body shaking.  
“You’re okay, Bren,” Ryan whispers, but he knows that he isn’t. They both know it.


	2. Chapter 2

“Please stay with me,” Brendon asks, as Ryan is about to leave his bedroom. He had managed to get Brendon out of the swimming pool, and upstairs. He had taken him into the bathroom, where Brendon had dried himself off, and then into his and Sarah’s bedroom. Brendon had wanted to go downstairs again, to continue the party, but Ryan had convinced him that he needed sleep. So he is now in bed, and Ryan had wanted to leave the room, and go downstairs to sleep on the sofa.  
“I’ll be downstairs if you need me.”  
“Stay. Please.”  
“Bren…”  
“Please,” Brendon asks, and Ryan sighs, but nods. He gets out of his clothes, and gets into bed with Brendon. The thought of Sarah coming home does go through his mind, but he knows that he’ll be able to explain to her why he is in her bed with her husband. She’ll understand.  
“Ry?” Brendon mumbles, half-asleep.  
“Yeah?”  
“I love you.”  
Ryan doesn’t say anything back, but he opens his eyes, and sees a smile on Brendon’s face. But he knows that Brendon is somewhere far away, so he just watches him for a minute or two.

-

Ryan has been awake for a few hours, and he is downstairs, reading a book that he had brought with him, when Brendon joins him. Ryan had expected him to look like death after last night, and although he doesn’t exactly look fresh, he looks kind of alright. Last night must have just been like any other night to him. To his body.  
“How are you feeling?” Ryan asks, but Brendon just shrugs. “Sarah, she ehm… when did she leave?”  
“A few weeks ago.”  
“What happened?”  
“I got drunk, and we got into an argument. And it got physical,” Brendon admits. He looks ashamed, but Ryan just nods. “I didn’t hit her, I just… I threw a bottle, she pushed me, I pushed back…”  
“How long has it been like this?”  
“I don’t know,” Brendon admits, and he starts looking around the room. The bottles are gone, not just the empty ones, but the half-filled ones as well. “What did you do?”  
“I am here to help you.”  
“Please tell me you didn’t throw out my weed.”  
“I did,” Ryan says, and he can see the panic in Brendon’s eyes.  
“I need that stuff, you know that. I have anxiety, and…”  
“I know. And I know how it helped you, Bren, but look at yourself. It isn’t helping you anymore.”  
“My ADHD, it…”  
“Brendon, look at me,” Ryan says, because Brendon is starting to hyperventilate. “You don’t need that stuff. None of it.”  
“Give it back,” Brendon says, “Please, just… I’ll lose my fucking mind without it, man.”  
“I can’t.”  
“I’ll lose my mind,” Brendon whispers, tears forming in his eyes. “You don’t know what it’s like to have this, to have to deal with this, constantly. Why would you do this to me?”  
“No, I don’t, and I am so sorry that you have all that, and that you have to deal with it on a daily basis. But if you go on like this, you’ll lose everything.”  
“Fuck you,” Brendon says, and he gets up and starts pacing up and down the room. But he doesn’t seem angry. He just seems scared.

Ryan can see how terrified he is, and it is almost too much too bear to see him hurt like this. But he can’t stand by and watch him destroy himself. He had watched him struggle with his mental health, and he had also watched him find a certain peace when he had discovered weed. He had even been happy for him. There was no danger. They had all been smoking it back then. But he also knows about the downside of it, about the risks. Combined with how much Brendon is drinking, it is clear that he has a problem. And he knows that Brendon knows it as well. But he is simply too scared to face it, get clean, and have to go back to struggle with his mental health. But what he doesn’t realise, and what Ryan does know, is that he has gotten older, and so much stronger, and that this time he will be able to find a way to cope with it all. A healthy way that won’t end up destroying him.

“Bren, look at me,” Ryan tries after a few minutes. Brendon looks at him, tears falling from his eyes. “You do know that I am trying to help you, don’t you?” he asks, and Brendon nods. “I know how scared you are, but you can do this. I believe in you.”  
“You do?” Brendon asks, his voice breaking.  
“Yeah, of course,” Ryan says, trying to fight his own tears. “Always.”  
Brendon sits down next to Ryan, and Ryan quickly pulls him close, to hold him tight, because he doesn’t know what else to say. He knows that this is where it begins. This is where Brendon can either choose to accept his help and try and get clean, or he can simply push him away, and continue going on like this.

It’s been a few hours, and Brendon is sitting in the garden, with his legs in the pool. He has his hands on his heads, his fingernails dug deep in. Ryan had seen him do this before, back when he was a teenager. Everything in his head, it just becomes too much. He had been offered medication, but they made it worse. Making music had helped for a while, but then there had been so much pressure to produce an album, that it had gotten worse again. That is when they discovered weed. Ryan wishes someone would have warned them then, or stopped them. But no one did.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asks as he starts rolling up his jeans. Brendon takes his hands down, but Ryan can see that the knuckles have turned white from digging his fingers into his head. “You can tell me anything.”  
“I know,” Brendon says. Ryan sits down next to him, and looks down at their legs in the water. He feels Brendon grabbing his hand, and he looks up at him. There is just sadness on his face, and Ryan nods, knowing that he doesn’t want to talk. He just want to be here, like this, for a while. It helps.

“I don’t think I can do this,” Brendon whispers, as the sky is starting to change colour. They are still sitting there, Brendon still holding Ryan’s hand, simply staring ahead.  
“I know,” Ryan says, and Brendon looks at him, a confused look on his face. “But you can.”  
“I’ve done this before, you know? Gone a day without it. But it all builds up, and after a few days, it’s just too much, and I need it again.”  
“But you don’t need it.”  
“I do, Ry…”  
“You don’t. You’re not an addict, remember?” Ryan says, a small smile on his face, and Brendon can’t help but smile. The first time he has smiled all day. “I’ll still be here when that happens, and I’ll make sure you won’t go out and buy anything.”  
“You want me to stay inside until I’m… better?”  
“If that’s what you need, yeah,” Ryan says, and Brendon looks away again, still holding his hand. “But we can go out, if you’re ready to face it.”  
“Face it?” Brendon asks, but then he remembers that his face has been in the papers this week. People will not only recognise him as Brendon now, they will recognise him as the drunk, the junkie who has lost his mind. And no, he isn’t ready to face that yet.  
“I’m not going anywhere.”  
“Don’t you have a home to get back to?”  
“It’ll still be there when I go back eventually.”  
“No one waiting for you?”  
“Is that your subtle way of asking me if I am dating anyone?” Ryan asks, and he can see a slight blush appearing on Brendon’s face. But Brendon is still staring straight ahead, so he doesn’t notice Ryan smiling. “But no, there is no one.”  
“Why not?”  
“Things just haven’t worked out a few times, but I’m alright on my own.”  
“Don’t you want to get married, have a family?” Brendon asks, and he looks at Ryan again.  
“Maybe, if I meet the right person. Is that why you married Sarah, because you wanted to start a family?” Ryan asks, and after the words have left his mouth, he realises how horrible they sound.  
“I love her.”  
“I know, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…”  
“But yeah, I did think we would get married, have kids…”  
“What happened?”  
“This happened,” Brendon shrugs. “She doesn’t love me anymore. I pushed her away.”  
“You don’t know that, Bren. I’m sure…”  
“No, I do. I even remember the exact moment I first saw that she didn’t love me anymore. We were having a party, and I was drunk, and I kept talking, it just wouldn’t stop. I told these people that I didn’t even know, everything. I told them about our arguments, our sex life, I just couldn’t stop. So she got angry with me afterwards, and I blamed her.”  
“Why?”  
“Because I was angry with myself, and I lashed out. I always lash out at her. And I know she wants out, but she won’t leave, because she feels sorry for me,” Brendon says, looking down at their hands.  
“Did she tell you?”  
“No, but I know her. And I love her, but I wish she would leave.”  
“You do?” Ryan asks, looking confused.  
“I just want her to be happy, and I can’t give her what she needs.”  
“Then that’s just another reason to get you clean, so you can go and win her back.”  
“No, it’s too late for that.”  
Brendon looks away again, and Ryan knows that he won’t say anymore. But he is glad that he has opened up. At least it’s a start.


	3. Chapter 3

“No, I’m not letting you go,” Ryan says, while standing in front of the front door. Brendon is having a panic attack, and he wants to go out so he can get himself weed and something to drink.  
“Ry, I am warning you!” Brendon says, tears streaming down his face.  
“I can’t.”  
“Let me out!” Brendon shouts, as he raises his hands, and digs his fingernails in his head. “I just need something, please.”  
“No, you’ll be fine without it. We’ll go and watch a movie, or we’ll play a video game,” Ryan tries, but he can see the panic on Brendon’s face.  
“If you don’t let me go, then…”  
“Then what?” Ryan asks. “You’ll punch me? Go on.”  
“Ry…”  
“Do it. Make me move,” Ryan says, but he isn’t scared.  
“Just let me go,” Brendon tries, but Ryan won’t move. Brendon steps up to him, grabs him by the front of his shirt, and pushes him away, his back slamming against the wall. He can see the pain in Ryan’s eyes, and he feels guilty, so he wants to go see if he is okay, but Ryan flinches when he tries to touch him. It’s a reflex.  
“I didn’t… I’m not…”  
“Not an addict? Who’ll hurt the person standing in between him and the drugs and drink?” Ryan asks, trying to fight his tears.  
“I’m not like that.”  
“I’ve seen this before, remember?” Ryan says, and Brendon knows that he isn’t referring to Spencer, but to his youth. “And believe me, you’re starting to look a hell of a lot like him.”  
“Ry…”  
“Don’t,” Ryan says, and without saying another word, he leaves the hallway, and goes into the living room to sit down. His back is hurting, and he feels like he is about to burst into tears any second. He doesn’t even want to stop Brendon anymore. If he wants to ruin his life, then he can go on and leave. But Brendon steps into the living room, tears falling from his eyes.  
“I’m not like him,” he says, his voice breaking. “I didn’t… I am so sorry for hurting you.”  
“I know. But you did do it, just to get your fucking drugs, Bren. So don’t fucking tell me that you don’t have a problem.”  
“I know I have a problem. I need help,” Brendon admits, sobbing the last part. Ryan wants to get up and put his arms around him, tell him it’s going to be okay. But he doesn’t. Brendon has broken down a few times before over the last few days, but it hasn’t stopped him from trying to get out to buy drugs. It hasn’t stopped him from hurting Ryan, the one who is actually here to help him.  
“Stop crying,” Ryan spits out, and Brendon looks up at him, a hurt look in his eyes. “You did this last night, the day before… But when I try to get you help, you don’t want it. You just want that fucking stuff to make you feel better.”  
“Ry…”  
“Do you even want things to change?”  
“Of course I do, I…,” Brendon tries, but Ryan interrupts him, the angry look still in his face.  
“Then change them, Brendon. You have gotten yourself into this mess, so you’re going to have to be the one to make things better. You could have just left, bought new drugs, and then what? You’d be back where you were last week. So off your face that you think people are out there trying to get to you.”  
“I…”  
“No, you shut up,” Ryan spits out, tears stinging in his eyes. But he refuses to let them fall. “You could have left, but you didn’t. You came back.”  
“Because you were hurt…,” Brendon admits.  
“Do you still want to go out and buy some?” Ryan asks, and Brendon nods, an ashamed look on his face. “Then go. I won’t try and stop you anymore. But do know that when you come back, I won’t be here. And I highly doubt Sarah will take you back when you’re a stinking junkie.”  
“I’m not going,” Brendon says, tears still falling from his eyes. Ryan just looks at him, waiting for him to change his mind and leave. Of course he will then get up and do whatever he can to try and stop Brendon again. But Brendon stays where he is, his entire body shaking, his legs close to giving out any second.  
“You’re not?” Ryan asks, and Brendon looks at him and shakes his head.  
“I don’t want you to leave,” Brendon admits. Ryan gets up, the pain in his back making him dizzy. But he ignores it, and goes over to his friend, and pulls him into a tight hug.  
“I’m not going anywhere. You’re going to get through this, yeah?”  
“I love you,” Brendon whispers, and Ryan can’t help but smile.  
“I love you too, Bren.”

Ryan has just taken a shower, after the worst day so far. Seeing Brendon drunk and off his face had been horrible. Seeing him break down for the first time had been devastating. But knowing that he would hurt him, just to get drugs, that had broken his heart. It had brought back far too many memories of his youth, and it had been emotionally exhausting.  
He sits down on the side of the bed that used to be Sarah’s. It is his while he is staying here, because Brendon doesn’t want to sleep on his own. Not that he can’t sleep on his own though, because he had fallen asleep even before Ryan had gotten upstairs to take a shower.  
Ryan assumes that Brendon is still asleep, so he closes his eyes and lets out a deep sigh, trying not to cry anymore, but when he feels the cold fingers on his naked back, his eyes shoot open. Brendon traces the bruising on his back, so slowly and gently, that it brings tears to Ryan’s eyes.  
“I am so sorry, Ryan,” Brendon whispers. But Ryan doesn’t say a word, nor does he move. If he does, he knows he will break down. So he stays where he is, the cold fingers now leaving his back. But when he feels a warmth replacing the cold fingers, he feels tears falling from his eyes. Brendon quietly kisses Ryan’s bruised back, ignoring how much his friend is shivering. He moves, so he is sitting behind Ryan, and he wraps his arms around him. He lies back down, keeping an arm around Ryan, so he is forced to lie down as well. Ryan turns around, to face him, and Brendon can see the pain in his eyes.  
“I love you so much,” he whispers, as he brushes the hair away from Ryan’s face. He gently presses his lips against Ryan’s, a twinge of doubt going through his body. But when he feels Ryan returning the kiss, the doubt disappears. This feels right.

-

“Do you want to go out for a walk?” Brendon suggests, when Ryan gets downstairs. He is used to being the first one up, but even though it’s still dark outside, Brendon looks like he’s been up for hours.  
“Really? You’re ready to go outside?”  
“Yeah… I have to face it some day, right?” Brendon says, trying to sound confident, but Ryan can see how nervous he really is. He remembers what had happened last night, how Brendon had caressed him, kissed him. It had been the first thing on his mind, the moment he had woken up. He had wanted to ask Brendon about it, but seeing how nervous he already he is, he decides to let it go.  
“Are you sure?” he asks, and Brendon nods. Ryan still isn’t sure if this is a good idea, because only yesterday, he had been willing to hurt him, just to get drugs. But if Brendon is willing to take this step, then Ryan will be there to support him, even if it’s too soon.

“Are you okay?” Ryan asks, when they get back onto their street. It had still been dark for most of their walk, and only now is the sun coming up. They had hardly seen anyone, and no one had recognised them. Ryan isn’t sure what would have happened if someone had.  
“Yeah… just tired,” Brendon sighs, as he gets his keys out of his pocket. “Thank you.”  
“For what?”  
“For being here.” Brendon flashes a smile, and Ryan quickly looks down at the street. Last night is still playing on his mind. “Ry?”  
“Yeah?” Ryan asks, as Brendon goes to open the front door.  
“About last night…,” he says, but when the door opens, they hear noise coming from inside the house. They quickly go in, and find Sarah in the living room, stuffing things into a bag.  
“Sarah, what…”  
“Don’t worry, I’m not staying,” Sarah interrupts him, without looking up.  
“I’ve missed you,” Brendon tries, as he goes up to his wife. But she pushes him away when he tries to give her a hug.  
“Is it him?” she asks, now looking at Ryan. “Are you fucking him?”  
“What are you…?”  
“You do know he’ll fuck anyone for drugs, yeah?” Sarah spits out, as she closes her bag.  
“I’m not… Sarah, please…,” Brendon tries, but she ignores him. “Ryan is here to help me get clean.”  
“Sure he is,” she says, and she grabs her bag and a suitcase, and leaves the house, without saying another word. Ryan can see the pain in Brendon’s eyes, and all he wants to do is give him a big hug, but he doesn’t. He goes after Sarah, and stops her from getting into a car.  
“Can we talk?” he asks, but she just shoots him an evil look. “Please.”  
“Whatever,” she says, and he leads her to the sidewalk, where they sit down.  
“I am not sleeping with him. I read about his meltdown, so I came here to help. I have experience with addicts, so…”  
“Then who is he sleeping with behind my back?”  
“No one.”  
“I saw the bed, Ryan. Someone’s been sleeping there,” Sarah says, and Ryan can’t help but smile.  
“I sleep there. He’s scared to sleep on his own, so I stay with him. We sleep, that’s it,” Ryan explains, but he can see that Sarah doesn’t believe him.  
“I hate you, do you know that?” she admits, and Ryan feels as though he is being punched in the stomach. Hearing someone tell you those words, right to your face, it hurts. “I have always hated you. Knowing that you were gone, and wouldn’t be coming back… That’s what made me trust him.”  
“What are you talking about?”  
“Have you ever watched him when he talks about you?” Sarah asks, and Ryan shakes his head. “When he even just mentions your name? Mentions a memory you two share?”  
“No…”  
“Yeah, well… Just know that he’ll fuck anyone to get drugs. You’re not the first.”  
“We’re not…” Ryan tries, but Sarah won’t let him finish his sentence.  
“You’re different though. I hate to admit it, but you might actually be the only one he’ll accept help from. So try your best, yeah?”  
“I’m not giving up before he’s clean. And when he’s clean, he’ll go back to being the Brendon you fell in love with. So don’t give up on your marriage, please.”  
“Our marriage was over long before his behaviour got out of control.”  
“It was?” Ryan asks, looking confused. Sarah flashes a small smile, and she looks down at her hands.  
“Yeah, it was. I think we all know why it didn’t work out, and it wasn’t the drugs, or his drinking.”  
“Then what was the reason? I know he loves you, and he will do whatever it takes to win you back,” Ryan tries. But Sarah gets up, and gets into the car. Ryan gets up, and wants to go over to her. But she simply opens the window, and flashes a smile.  
“Make him happy, Ryan,” she says, before driving off. Ryan can feel his heart beating fast, because how can he go back inside and tell Brendon that Sarah won’t come back? That she won’t give him another chance? And above all, that she blames Ryan for their marriage breaking down.

“What did she say?” Brendon asks. Ryan sits down next to him, looking down at his hands. “She didn’t even ask, did she?”  
“Ask what?”  
“How I’m doing? If I’m okay,” Brendon says, and Ryan shakes his head, feeling too guilty to look up. He can hear Brendon letting out a sigh, but still he doesn’t move.  
“She really doesn’t care.”  
“I’m so sorry. I tried, I…”  
“What did she say?” Brendon asks.  
“She told me you’re marriage was over before all of this. That… Bren?” Ryan asks, now looking up at him. “Did you cheat on her?”  
“I did,” Brendon admits. “I got drunk, slept with people. I know it’s a cliché, but it didn’t mean anything. It was just sex, I… I didn’t mean to do it.”  
“What did you tell her about me?”  
“About you? What do you mean?” Brendon asks, looking confused.  
“She told me she hated me, that she was glad I was gone.”  
“I didn’t think she knew,” Brendon says, and he looks out of the window.  
“Knew what?”  
“What do you think?”  
“I don’t know, Bren. Did I do something? Because I will go and apologise, I’ll lie if it’ll save your marriage,” Ryan tries, but deep inside, he already knows what is coming next.  
“You didn’t do anything.” Brendon flashes a small smile, still staring out of the window. “I didn’t think she knew that I was in love with you,” he admits.  
“What?”  
“I’m in love with you, Ry. Have been since the moment we met,” Brendon says, and he finally looks back at Ryan, only to see the tears in his eyes.  
“Why didn’t you tell me?”  
“And ruin our friendship? Make things awkward?”  
“You fucking idiot,” Ryan whispers, and Brendon feels hurt. But when he sees the tear rolling down Ryan’s cheek, he realises what he is saying. He puts a hand on the side of Ryan’s face, and wipes away the tear. Ryan closes his eyes, taking in what has just happened, but when he feels Brendon’s lips against his own, all thoughts disappear from his mind, and he gets lost in the moment.  
“I love you so much,” Brendon whispers, as he pulls Ryan into a tight hug, Ryan clinging onto him. “We’re going to be okay, aren’t we?”  
“I hope so.”


	4. Chapter 4

It’s been a few months since Ryan arrived to help Brendon get clean. And although it has been difficult at times, for the last month or so, things have been okay. Brendon is now seeing a therapist twice a week, and when he has a panic attack, Ryan helps him through it. At moments, he still longs for weed, or he wishes to have a drink. But he hasn’t touched anything, not since Ryan has arrived. He knows that if he does, he will lose him, and that would kill him.

“Will you be there tonight?” Brendon asks, as Ryan puts his bag down on the bed. He had gone back to his place, to see how things were, seeing as he hadn’t been back there in months. The truth is, that he had been terrified to leave Brendon. He was scared to come back and find him dead, having overdosed, or having gotten drunk and drowned in the pool. But Brendon looks just as he did last week, healthy, and happy.  
“Of course I’ll be there,” Ryan laughs. “Are you nervous?”  
“What do you think?” Brendon laughs, but it’s a nervous laugh. He sits down on the edge of the bed, as Ryan starts unpacking his things, putting them back into the wardrobe.  
“How have rehearsals been?”  
“Fine… I messed up,” Brendon admits, and Ryan turns around. “What if I mess up tonight?”  
“You won’t. You have sung those songs, what, thousands of times before. And if you forget the words, just let them sing. That always works,” Ryan shrugs, and Brendon can’t help but smile.  
Brendon hadn’t been back to work since his meltdown. His tv-appearances had been cancelled, and the recording of a new album had been put on hold. But the show tonight is a one-off, and it had been announced over a year ago. The fans could vote for what songs the band will play, and there had only been a thousand tickets for sale, which had sold out within a matter of minutes. Brendon didn’t mind cancelling tv-appearances, but he refuses to let the fans down.  
“You’ll be fine.” Ryan flashes a supportive smile, as he goes over to Brendon. He kneels down in front of him, and puts a hand on the side of his neck.  
“Move in with me,” Brendon blurts out, and Ryan can’t help but laugh. But when he sees the serious look on Brendon’s face, he moves his hand away, and gets up. “Really?”  
“Yeah. You’ve been living here for months, so…”  
“What about Sarah?”  
“We’re getting a divorce.”  
“Are you sure you’re okay with that?” Ryan asks.  
“Yeah, don’t tell anyone, but…,” Brendon says, a serious look on his face. “I’ve got a massive crush on this guy. He’s a bit of an idiot though, doesn’t realise how much I actually like him…”  
“Fuck off,” Ryan laughs, as Brendon gets up and puts his arms around his waist, pulling him close.  
“I’m in love with you, Ry. Not with Sarah. So yeah, I really want you to move in with me.”  
“Well, I think you’re alright too.”  
“Just alright?”  
“Yeah, just alright,” Ryan laughs, and he gives Brendon a quick kiss.

Ryan has been watching the band perform, from the side of the stage, for over an hour now, and he has to admit that there is a longing in the pit of his stomach. A longing to be out there, playing those songs, some written by him, all those years ago. He is done with the business, he really is, and he doesn’t want any of the fame back, or the attention. But being out on that stage, playing music, hearing the fans singing along to the songs, that is a feeling he will never forget.  
The guys are now playing LA Devotee, a song he loves, and he can’t help but close his eyes and sing along. But when he opens his eyes, he sees Brendon watching him, the biggest smile on his face. Ryan feels a little embarrassed, but he doesn’t stop singing. He just starts singing louder.

“I didn’t think you knew those songs,” Brendon laughs, as he comes up to him, after having finished playing their set. He now has a few minutes before they will go back out onstage for the encore.  
“What, you thought I didn’t buy your albums?” Ryan laughs. “I had to hear for myself how bad you were without me.”  
“Ah, I see,” Brendon laughs, and he gives Ryan a quick kiss. “I wish we were playing more songs.”  
“How many have you got left?”  
“Only three…,” Brendon says, a sad look now on his face. “I’ve missed this.”  
“Me too,” Ryan admits.  
“You have?”  
“Yeah,” Ryan nods. “That,” he says, pointing out to the stage, but meaning the crowd, who are chanting for the band to come back, “is a sound I will always remember. Do you remember our first show?”  
“Of course. I nearly kissed you after we got off the stage, I was so excited.”  
“You did?” Ryan laughs, and Brendon nods, a shy look on his face. “I wish you would have.”  
“Me too.”  
“Brendon!” someone yells for him, and he has to get back out onstage for the encore. He gives Ryan a big hug, before leaving him alone, and within seconds, the crowd start cheering louder than Ryan has heard them cheer tonight. Ryan gets the biggest smile on his face, as he hears the guys beginning to play ‘Time To Dance’.  
But when he hears the first chords of the next song, he nearly gets tears in his eyes. It’s ‘Northern Downpour’, his and Brendon’s song, their ‘duet’. Brendon looks over to him, and he actually stops the guys from continuing the song. The crowd starts cheering and booing, because they want to hear the song, but Brendon quickly quietens them down.  
“Guys, I’m sorry. This song, it was what you, the fans, voted most for for us to play tonight. And I know I’ll probably get my ass kicked for this, but…”  
“Oh, no,” Ryan whispers, but before he can even turn and leave, the words have already left Brendon’s mouth.  
“And I don’t even know if he still knows the words after all these years, or if he knows how to play it, but…,” he adds, and the crowd can already tell what is coming. The cheering is now becoming so loud, that Ryan can hardly hear Brendon anymore. “Ryan is actually here, so I think you guys deserve to have him come out and play this for you,” he continues, a cheeky smile on his face. “I think he owes it to you.”  
“Fuck you,” Ryan mouths, as Brendon looks over to him, but the smile on his face only grows bigger, the cheering becoming louder. Ryan shakes his head, takes a deep breath, and walks out on stage. And within seconds, without having even thought about what is actually happening, a guitar is being pressed into his hands, and he is standing behind a microphone stand.  
“Hi,” he awkwardly says, another wave of cheering nearly making his knees buckle.  
“So, let’s give this a go then, eh?” Brendon laughs. Ryan starts to panic, because does he actually remember how to play this song? It’s been so many years. Does he even remember the words? But as soon as he hears the first guitar chord, it feels as though the last few years haven’t happened. He is back to being his younger self, and for just a second, he expects to see Spencer and Jon up on the stage with him. But when he sees men who are strangers to him, and a Brendon who had nearly fallen apart just months ago, he is back to being himself. As he looks out at the crowd, the fans singing along to the words, he feels tears stinging in his eyes. He doesn’t even have to think, because the words leave his mouth, as though this is what he does, every single night. As though this is what he has done since he was a teenager. But this isn’t what he does, not anymore. This is a one-off.  
“So, what do you guys think, can he stay for the last song?” Brendon asks, once the cheering has died down.  
“No, I…,” Ryan tries, but when he hears the fans cheering once more, he shuts up. Brendon comes up to him, puts an arm on his lower back, and leans towards his ear.  
“Please come back?” Brendon asks, and Ryan looks at him. But Brendon already knows the answer. Ryan can’t come back. He has moved on from all of this. “Can’t blame a guy for trying, right?” He flashes a small smile, and gives Ryan a kiss on the cheek, the cheering getting even louder, before going back to his microphone.  
“Thank you guys for being here tonight. I know what happened a few months ago, that was… I messed up,” Brendon admits, addressing the crowd. “But I got help, and I had people who helped me through that. Who are still helping me through it. One of them being,” he says, looking over to Ryan, “mister Ryan Ross here. And I would like to thank you all for sticking with me, and for giving me another chance. But I especially would like to, if that’s okay with you guys, to thank him for sticking with me.” The cheering becomes nearly overwhelming, and Ryan can’t help but smile. “So thank you,” Brendon says, turning to face Ryan, “For everything. I love you, man.”  
“Shut up,” Ryan says, and he goes over to him and wraps his arms around him. “I love you,” he whispers into Brendon’s ear, pulling him even closer. “I love you, you idiot,” he repeats, and he can feel Brendon pulling away from him, so he lets go. He can see the tears in Brendon’s eyes, so he just flashes a smile, and a little nod, to let him know that it’s okay. That things are going to be okay. That they are going to be okay. He goes back to his microphone, and Brendon wants to announce their final song. But people are cheering their names, and they will not stop. So in the end, he has to shush them, and they keep quiet.  
“This is going to be our final song tonight, and you probably all know it. You’re probably all sick of it. But hey, you voted for it, so…,” he says, and Ryan can’t help but smile. It had been their biggest hit, the song that had been their big breakthrough, and he still remembers writing it, recording it, making the video. This being a hit, it had meant that they could travel the world, play shows, make more music. It had been his escape. It had saved his life.

“Ry?” Brendon asks, when they’re in bed that night.  
“Mhm?”  
“Thank you, for coming back to help me,” Brendon says, and Ryan can’t help but smile.  
“Yeah, you said that.”  
“I mean it, you saved my life. You do know that, right?” Brendon continues, and Ryan can see that he means it. “I bought these pills one night, but I got so drunk that I didn’t get to take them. When I woke up, it was because of the screaming… I can still hear her screaming… This girl, she had bought the same pills, and she had taken a few. Her friend found her that morning.”  
“Bren, I…”  
“If I had taken them that night, I would have died,” Brendon admits. It hits Ryan like a brick wall, and tears start falling from his eyes. Brendon puts a hand on the side of his face, and Ryan moves towards him, wrapping his arms around him. The feeling of losing him, the fear, it is almost unbearable, and he needs to hold him, to feel him, to know that he is okay.  
“I need you, Brendon,” Ryan admits. He wants to tell him how he had saved his life as well, how he had wanted to die when he was younger, how the band, and making music, touring the world, how it had saved his life. How Brendon had been the one who made him stick with music, even when his anxiety nearly got too much. How Brendon had been the one to save him, when he had felt like his depression would get the best of him. How Brendon had been the one. How he had always been the one, how he will always be the one. But he can’t find the words. Not yet.  
“I’m not going anywhere,” Brendon whispers. “I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this! I used to write Ryden stories all the time, nearly ten years ago, but then I moved on to other fandoms. But it's been fun to write a little Ryden now and then again!


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